I had no self-compassion. I was angry that I was so broken, weak, and hurt and everything was so difficult… but since practicing self-compassion my inner voice has changed from a critical, growling, judgemental, really difficult person to be around, to somebody who wants to lift you up and support you and help you through.  – James, 53 years-old

Why Self-Compassion Matters

Self-compassion is about how we respond to ourselves when things are hard.

Research shows that practicing self-compassion can reduce distress, help manage the impacts of trauma, build resilience, and support overall well-being.

Put simply: it helps us suffer less and cope better. We encourage you to give it a try.

What Is Self-Compassion?

Compassion can be thought of as empathy in action. Psychologist Paul Gilbert describes self-compassion as “sensitivity to suffering in self and others, with a commitment to try and alleviate and prevent it.”

(Gilbert, P. (2014). The origins and nature of compassion focused therapy. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 53(1), 6–41. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjc.12043)

Self-compassion isn’t about ignoring pain or letting yourself off the hook. It’s a strength-based way of meeting distress with:
  • Courage to notice and acknowledge suffering
  • Strength to stay present instead of avoiding or shutting down
  • Wisdom to respond in ways that actually help
  • Commitment to actions that support well-being

Common Concerns Men Have About Self-Compassion

“Self-compassion will make me weak and vulnerable.”

Many men grow up hearing messages like “Men don’t cry,” “Just tough it out,” or “It’s in the past.” These ideas can make vulnerability feel dangerous or unacceptable.

In reality, self-compassion provides a place to stand with courage and strength; to turn toward—rather than away from—emotional distress and challenges.

“Self-criticism keeps me motivated.”

For many men, self-criticism acts like a harsh coach, pointing out flaws and applying pressure to “do better” and “not let ourselves off the hook.” But if self-criticism truly worked, most of us would already be perfect.

Evidence shows that self-compassion is actually a more effective motivator, especially during tough times. It supports growth without tearing you down.

“I don’t deserve compassion—I’m to blame.”

Survivors of childhood trauma often carry deep shame and self-blame. This isn’t accidental; people who abuse others benefit when survivors feel responsible (See Understanding Grooming and Resistance).

Survivors need compassion, not judgment. Self-compassion is a powerful antidote to self-blame.

“I’ve been told I need to forgive.”

Pressure to forgive—yourself or others—can add another layer of stress and self-judgment. Compassion is different. It centers your well-being, choice, and strength in the present, without forcing anything before you’re ready.

How to Practice Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is a skill. With practice, it can become as familiar and automatic as self-judgment and self-criticism.

Try a Self-Compassion Break

Psychologist Kristin Neff describes self-compassion as having three parts:

  1. Mindfulness – noticing your pain/distress in the present moment
  2. Common Humanity – remembering that struggle is part of being human
  3. Self-Kindness – responding to ourselves with care instead of criticism

Neff suggests that when things feel overwhelming, instead of responding with self-criticism, we respond with a compassion break.

Pause, take a breath, and gently say to yourself:

“This is a moment of suffering/stress/pain.”

“We all have struggles to deal with in life.”

“May I be kind to myself in this moment.”

Use words that feel natural to you. The point is to acknowledge that you are struggling and respond in a caring, wise, and helpful way.

Simple Ways to Build Self-Compassion

  • Talk to yourself like you would a friend. What would you say to someone you care about who’s struggling in the same way?
  • Keep it real. Ask what you would offer a child your age going through the same experience. Let that guide your response.
  • Ask the wise question: What’s the wisest and most helpful thing I can do for myself right now? Remember to use the word ‘wise’ in your question, as this helps you choose a response that will be beneficial in both the short-term and the long-term.
  • Pause when needed. Sometimes the most supportive step is simply slowing down and taking a breath in order to break the cycle of reactivity and allow yourself to choose a supportive response.
  • Practice mindfulness or guided meditations that emphasize compassion and noticing thoughts without getting pulled into self-criticism. Mindfulness exercises that take an observing stance help self-critical and judgmental thoughts pass by like leaves floating down a stream, making it easier to disengage from them and respond with self-compassion instead.

Why It’s Worth It

Self-compassion may feel unfamiliar or uncomfortable at first, especially if you’ve spent years being hard on yourself. But it’s worth the effort. Self-compassion promotes understanding and acceptance in a way that encourages and empowers us to make positive change. 

We wish you well as you continue building compassion for yourself and for those around you.

Want to Learn More?

If you’d like to explore self-compassion further, the following resources may be helpful:

Websites

Books

  • Gilbert, P. (2009). The compassionate mind: A new approach to life’s challenges. Constable & Robinson.
  • Lee, D., & James, S. (2012). The compassionate mind approach to recovering from trauma: Using compassion focused therapy. Robinson.
  • Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.
  • Germer, C. K. (2009). The mindful path to self-compassion: Freeing yourself from destructive thoughts and emotions. Guilford Press.