Our brains are busy all day long, generating thousands of thoughts without us even trying. Some of these thoughts are genuinely helpful and move us toward the life we want, while others can be unhelpful, distressing, or downright misleading.
A key skill is learning to see thoughts as exactly that: thoughts—not facts, not instructions, and not predictions. When we’re able to notice and name our thoughts, we can get a bit of distance from the ones that are painful or unhelpful, and spend more time engaging with the ones that actually support us.
When someone has lived through significant trauma or a series of setbacks, unhelpful thinking patterns can become “locked in,” showing up almost automatically in challenging situations. Being able to identify and step back from these patterns—and having some basic problem-solving skills—are powerful life tools.
Part 1:
Unhelpful Thinking Patterns and How to Step Away
Part 2:
A Basic, Six-Step Approach to Problem-Solving
Prioritize your well-being: At StrongAfter, we recognize that dealing with the impacts of trauma—and managing your physical, psychological, and emotional responses—can be challenging. We encourage you to prioritize your well-being and make use of the StrongAfter Strength Toolkit as you go through this material. Take good care.
Part 1: Unhelpful Thinking Patterns and How to Step Away
Detailed here are some common unhelpful thinking patterns to watch out for. Being able to identify and name these patterns can help you step back, see your options more clearly, and make decisions that are better aligned with your values.
And before we jump in, we want to say that if any of these are familiar to you, you’re not alone, and you’re not doing anything “wrong.” These are normal responses to trauma, and there are ways to move through them.
Ruminating is when you replay situations or conversations over and over in your mind, like a loop, without any new information or action being taken. Ruminating can feel like you’re “working on” the problem, but often it just leaves you feeling more stuck.
Stewing is similar to ruminating, but with a sharper, more negative edge. You might find yourself:
- Replaying an event on repeat
- Going down a rabbit hole of related negative thoughts
- Feeling more and more stressed or angry about a situation
Instead of using your energy to accept what happened and move toward solutions, stewing keeps you in a spiral of “this is hopeless” or “this is so unfair.”
When you notice yourself stewing, it can help to remind yourself:
- Your time and energy are valuable, and you don’t need to waste it replaying past events or unpleasant scenarios.
- You can choose to redirect your attention toward problem-solving or toward activities that restore your energy.
Catastrophizing and overgeneralizing happen when you take a single event or limited piece of information and treat it like a broad, global truth—usually a negative one.
You might notice yourself using words like always and never:
- “I always mess things up.”
- “I never get a fair shot.”
Or taking negative feelings to the extreme:
- “This is the last straw.”
- “This is the end of everything.”
When catastrophizing takes over, it becomes harder to focus on the specific problem in front of you. That makes it more difficult to take constructive action and often increases feelings of frustration, anger, or hopelessness.
Also known as black-and-white thinking, this is when things are either:
- All good or all bad
- A total success or a complete failure
With this kind of thinking, there’s no room for nuance or gray areas. This can make it very hard to acknowledge growth in the form of small positive steps or any middle ground. All-or-nothing thinking can operate as a roadblock to even trying to make change.
“Shoulding” and “musting” is when you focus on how you think things “should” or “must” be, rather than how they are:
- “I should be over this by now.”
- “They must never talk to me that way.”
These thoughts can pile on pressure and criticism (of self and others). They often pull your focus away from what is actually happening and what you realistically can do next.
Totalizing takes one mistake, problem, or shortcoming and turns it into a harsh judgment of your entire identity. For example:
- “I spilled my drink. I’m such a loser.”
- “I forgot that meeting. I’m an idiot.”
Sometimes this pattern is turned outward, labeling others in the same way. Totalizing wipes out context and positive traits and replaces them with a single, negative label.
Mind-reading is when you assume you know what someone else is thinking—especially that they’re judging you—without actually checking. For example:
- “They think I’m weak.”
- “She must be disappointed in me.”
The truth is, we can’t know what someone else is thinking unless they tell us. Mind-reading can fuel anxiety, shame, and misunderstandings.
This can be a subtle habit, because it often starts from a positive place: wanting to avoid conflict or appear reasonable. It becomes unhelpful when:
- You consistently let things slide that really matter to you
- Your frustration or resentment quietly builds over time
What needs to happen next depends on the situation, the resources you have, and what’s important to you. When other people are involved, it’s important to express your concerns in a positive way and aim for collaborative solutions.
Discounting the positive is when you brush off good things that happen by saying they “don’t count.” For example: You have a good interaction and immediately think, “They were just being nice,” or “That was a fluke.”
This pattern makes it hard to feel joy or pride, and can leave you feeling inadequate and unrewarded, even when there’s clear evidence of your strengths and progress.
Forecasting is predicting that things will go badly or that you’ll mess up, without clear evidence. Thoughts might sound like:
- “This is going to be a disaster.”
- “I’ll just screw it up anyway.”
Forecasting can stop you from taking steps that might actually improve your situation.
Funneling is when you attribute every difficulty to the abuse you experienced or to one aspect of your past. For example: you feel stressed about something at work and immediately think, “This is because of what happened to me. I’m broken.”
This overlooks the fact that many situations are stressful for most people, regardless of their history.
Emotional reasoning is when you treat feelings as facts:
- “I feel guilty, so I must be a bad person.”
- “I feel angry, so I must be being treated unfairly.”
- “I feel inferior, so I must be less than everyone else.”
- “I feel hopeless, so things must actually be hopeless.”
Feelings are important signals, but they don’t always reflect the full reality of a situation.
Over-attribution of responsibility happens when you hold yourself personally responsible for something that wasn’t fully in your control. This can lead to guilt, shame, and feelings of inadequacy. Many people who have experienced sexual abuse struggle with feeling responsible for things that were not their fault.
On the other hand, some people consistently blame others or external circumstances, overlooking how their own choices or behavior might play a part. This can go along with feeling powerless and stuck.
Disengaging from Unhelpful Patterns of Thinking
Thoughts Can Become Automatic
Over time, certain thought patterns can become automatic responses. You might find yourself suddenly distressed or reactive without fully understanding why.
Like driving a car and changing gears without thinking about it, these patterns can run in the background. They become habits your conscious mind doesn’t question—unless you slow down and take a closer look.
Some Patterns May Be Past Their “Expiration Date”
It’s important to recognize that you didn’t choose unhelpful thinking patterns on purpose. In many cases, these patterns once helped you survive.
For example, “forecasting” danger—constantly scanning for what might go wrong—may have kept you safer in the past. But once the danger has passed, it can be helpful to review whether this pattern is still serving you. If it’s causing more harm than good now, it may be time to gently loosen its grip.
Habits Can Change
The good news? Patterns that were learned and ingrained can also be un-learned or reshaped. With some consistent practice, automatic thoughts can be interrupted, and more helpful ways of thinking and acting can be introduced.
Connect with Activities that Support Your Well-being
A powerful place to start is by leaning into your Strength Toolkit—the habits, practices, and relationships that support your overall well-being.
When you’re caught up in unhelpful thinking or trauma responses, deliberately engaging with strength-building activities can act as a circuit breaker and reset.
Call It What It Is: Unhelpful
If you notice an unhelpful thought, and you’ve done what you can to settle your body and mind, try taking a small step back and naming what’s happening.
“This is catastrophizing.”
“This is mind-reading.”
“This is me discounting the positive.”
You may also notice your own unique patterns, and you can name those in whatever language makes sense to you. Naming the pattern helps create distance and reduces its power.
Step Away from the Thoughts
To loosen the hold of unhelpful thoughts, it can help to shift into an “observer” mindset. Mindfulness exercises can be useful here.
- Picture thoughts as leaves floating down a stream
- Imagine thoughts as cars passing by on a road
- Visualize watching thoughts from a bit of distance, instead of climbing into every one
The aim is not to force thoughts to stop, but to change how you relate to them.
Define, Don’t Dwell
Sometimes we get stuck looping over a problem or challenge. As the same thoughts repeat, the situation can become emotionally charged, making it harder to think clearly or access our usual coping skills.
- Instead of re-living the situation, try to clearly describe the problem
- Break it down into concrete pieces
This sets you up to use the six problem-solving steps outlined below.
Create Distance by Writing or Mapping Things Out
Writing your thoughts down or talking them through with someone you trust can create some healthy distance.
- Journal what happened and how you’re feeling
- Sketch a quick mind-map on paper or a whiteboard
- List out what’s in your control and what isn’t
Seeing your thoughts on the page can make patterns easier to spot and can open up space to consider alternative responses.
Let Go (When That’s the Healthier Option)
Some problems aren’t ours to fix. They may be rooted in the past, involve other people, or require professional support.
Embrace Psychological Flexibility
By approaching life and problems with an open mind, in a way that recognizes our strengths, our learning, and ability to adapt and make change, we become better able to address challenges.
Be Generous & Kind to Yourself
When you’re trying to make changes, solve problems, or get out of a rut, it’s always useful to be generous and kind to yourself.
- Look at the facts more clearly
- Evaluate your options realistically
- Take steps that support your long-term well-being
Part 2: A Basic, Six-Step Approach to Problem-Solving
We all face problems and tough decisions. Some are small and quick to resolve, while others take real time and effort. Problem-solving is a skill that can be learned and strengthened. The six steps below offer a basic framework you can use on your own, with a partner, or in a group.
Work Collaboratively When You Can
If the problem involves other people, involving them in the process usually leads to better, more sustainable solutions. In fact, some issues—especially relationship or communication problems—can’t be fully resolved without including everyone involved.
Focus on the Process
Whether you’re problem-solving alone or with others, try to focus on creating a solid process rather than rushing to a quick answer.
- Make room for everyone’s perspective (including your own)
- Don’t lock in a solution too early
- Let yourself move step by step
Ask yourself:
- What, specifically, is the problem?
- What is it that I want to change or sort out?
Do a reality check:
- Is your information current and accurate?
- Are you viewing the situation from more than one angle?
Try to “walk around” the problem, seeing it from different perspectives, before moving on.
Next, ask:
- What are all the possible options I can think of?
Write down every option, even if it seems unlikely or imperfect. Be creative.
If you can, consult with others. People you trust may see possibilities you haven’t considered.
Go through each option and consider:
- Potential benefits (short- and long-term)
- Potential downsides or risks
- How each option lines up with your values and priorities
If you’ve used online tools or AI to generate options, take time to carefully evaluate those suggestions in your specific context. Yep, do this for every option.
After weighing the pros and cons, one option may stand out as obvious. If not? No big deal. Just pick one. The goal isn’t perfection; it’s finding a safe and “good-enough” place to start and seeing what happens.
This is where the rubber meets the road. Go for it.
After you’ve tried the option, pause and reflect:
- Did this action help in the way I hoped?
- Did it solve the problem fully, partly, or not at all?
- Is this a short-term fix, a long-term solution, or something in between?
If things didn’t turn out as you wanted, that’s information, not failure. You can use what you’ve learned to loop back to Step 1 or 2 and try a different approach.
You might ask:
- What did I learn from this?
- If a similar problem came up again, would I do the same thing?
- Are there other options I’d try next time?
Accessing Independent & Professional Support
Disentangling unhelpful thinking patterns, solving ongoing problems, and coping with the impacts of trauma can be tricky stuff—and you don’t have to do it alone. It can be incredibly helpful to reach out to a trusted friend, an experienced practitioner, or a healthcare or mental health professional.
Keep Exploring
If this page was helpful, you may also want to check out our content on:
These resources can complement what you’ve learned here about unhelpful thinking patterns and problem-solving, and keep you moving forward.
Be kind to yourself and recognize the progress you’re making, no matter how small.
Disclaimer: The information on this page is general in nature and is not a substitute for professional advice. We encourage you to prioritize your safety and well-being and to consider seeking support from a qualified healthcare professional if needed.
