Shame is a powerful and often overwhelming feeling, and for many survivors of sexual abuse, it can quietly shape how they see themselves and move through the world. 

In this article, we’ll explore what shame is, how to get some distance from it, and some practical ways to take meaningful steps forward.

Prioritize your well-being: At StrongAfter, we recognize that shame can be a particularly challenging topic. As you read, take things slowly, check in with yourself, and pause whenever it feels right. The StrongAfter Strength Toolkit is always there to support you.

Some Key Information

Here are a few key ideas to keep in mind as you read.

You don’t need to absorb everything at once; these are just meant to offer a helpful frame before diving in:

  1. Shame isn’t the same as guilt. Shame attacks your sense of self; guilt relates to something you did.
  2. Men often face added layers of shame tied to limiting gender expectations.
  3. Those who harm benefit from survivors’ shame because it protects them.
  4. Developing self-compassion and empowerment helps you disentangle yourself from shame and rebuild a stronger sense of self.

With this info in mind, let’s take a closer look at what shame actually is and how it tends to operate.

Understanding Shame

In order to begin addressing shame, we first need a clear understanding of what we mean by shame, and how it differs from guilt. Though these words are often used interchangeably, they shape our inner experience in very different ways.

Shame is Different From Guilt

Guilt relates to an act — “I did something wrong.”

Guilt is about feeling responsible for something you did. You can feel guilty about an action (even a serious one) but may still see yourself, and be seen by others, as a fundamentally good person. In fact, guilt can sometimes be productive in that it motivates repair and positive change.

Shame relates to how we see ourselves — “I am something wrong.”

Shame doesn’t focus on an action, but on your identity: “Because this happened, I am a bad person.” It can make you feel flawed or “less than,” and often leads to withdrawal and silence rather than growth.

As survivor Shannon Molloy writes in You Made Me This Way (2023):

“We each feel shame about the things that live inside of us.  The shame is potent and choking.  It’s much more than just shame on its own, though. It’s as though shame has been stitched to shame, then welded to some more shame, some kind of Frankenstein-like monstrous creation.”

Impacts of Same

Addressing shame is also about understanding how it can show up in everyday life.

Shame can quietly influence many areas, often without us realizing it. For example, shame can impact our: 
  • Mental Health: Contributing to depression, anxiety, PTSD, eating disorders, and other emotional struggles.
  • Relationships: Shame can affect trust, communication, and closeness, all qualities essential for forming and maintaining positive relationships.
  • Coping: Survivors may turn to isolation, substance use, addiction, risk-taking, self-harm, or suicidal thoughts (see Dealing with Suicidal Thoughts).

Significantly, shame has a powerful impact on our sense of self–our self-image, self-esteem, and self-worth.  Shame can become a filter, negatively shaping how we make sense of and interact with the world. 

As researcher Brené Brown describes it in Atlas of the Heart (2021):

“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging and connection.” 

Shame’s Power to Silence

For those who’ve had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences, a particularly destructive aspect of shame is its power to silence. Shame has a way of isolating and making us feel bad, unworthy, and alone, which can make it much harder to reach out for help or support.

This silence isn’t accidental. People who cause harm benefit when survivors carry shame that was never theirs to begin with. Shame tells survivors they’re somehow responsible for what happened; that if anyone knew, they’d be judged, punished, or get in trouble. It pushes them to “keep the secret.”

But the truth is clear and important: the burden of shame belongs entirely to the person who offended, not the person who was harmed.

Notice How Shame Is Encouraged

It’s important to recognize that people who offend don’t see those they harm as powerless—far from it.

Those who cause harm understand that when a child or adult feels ashamed, afraid, or somehow at fault, they’re much less likely to tell anyone what’s happening or to disclose the abuse. 

If you’d like to explore this further, our companion article and podcast, Understanding Grooming and Resistance, may be helpful.

Shame Thrives on Secrecy

All of this helps explain why shame can feel so hard to shake. As Brené Brown points out, shame is tricky. It keeps us from talking about what happened, and at the same time, it grows stronger in silence.

“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable…Shame thrives on secrecy, silence, and judgement. If you put shame into a petri dish and douse it with these three things, it will grow exponentially into every corner and crevice of our lives.”

– Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience (2021:137)

When shame stays hidden, it often attaches itself to the expectations we already feel pressured to meet. For many men, those expectations are rooted in ideas about masculinity.

When Shame and Gender Expectations Collide

Many men describe carrying layers of shame connected to gender expectations about “how a man should be,” for example: always strong, stoic, controlled, and never vulnerable.

Many male survivors report feeling shame about:

  • What happened and what he did or didn’t do (for example, for freezing or not fighting back—which are normal responses during a traumatic event)
  • Not telling anyone then or now, not preventing it, or not saving a friend
  • Not coping at the time or after (including crying or not being able to handle emotions)
  • Negative coping behaviors adopted to survive
  • Fears of not living up to masculine stereotypes
  • Having had an abusive experience involving someone of the same gender identity (a legacy of homophobic societal beliefs)
  • Becoming physically aroused during the abusive experience (a normal and automatic bodily response unrelated to consent or desire)
  • Not enjoying sex now “the way men should”
  • Not feeling shame
  • Needing support

Recognizing that these layers of shame aren’t yours to carry—and aren’t helpful—is an important step. From there, it can help to think about what healing from shame can actually look like.

Overcoming Shame

Letting go of shame can be tricky, and it usually doesn’t happen all at once. Everyone’s journey looks different, and there’s no single strategy that works for everyone.

What does help, again and again, is empathy, compassion, and support—they all make shame feel less powerful.

Expose Shame to Empathy

Shame grows in silence, but empathy shrinks it. As Brené Brown explains:

“The antidote to shame is empathy. If we reach out and share our shame experience with someone who responds with empathy, shame dissipates. Shame needs you to believe that you’re alone. Empathy is a hostile environment for shame.” 

– Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience (2021:137)

Moving From Disclosure to Healing From Shame

Telling someone you’ve experienced abuse is a courageous step (see our article and podcast: Disclosure: Deciding If, When, and How to Tell). Talking about the shame that often comes with it can feel like an even bigger leap, and that’s completely understandable. You don’t have to do this part on your own.

Specialized support can make this process feel safer and more manageable. Working with a professional who has experience supporting men impacted by sexual abuse and shame can help you feel grounded, informed, and more in control as you move forward. 

As Brené Brown also notes:

“Talking about shame brings a sense of control. That control gives us the strength to overcome our feelings and move forward with our lives.” 

Empowering Yourself When You’re Not Ready for Professional Support

If reaching out for professional support feels too big right now, that’s definitely okay. Go at your own pace. In the meantime, there are ways to start disentangling from shame on your own.

1. Practice Self-Care

Prioritize sleep, nutrition, movement, connection, and calming practices. Abuse and shame stress both body and mind; self-care strengthens both. Explore our StrongAfter Strength Toolkit for ideas and support.

2. Learn to Anchor Yourself in the Present

Because shame has the power to take us away from ourselves, it’s important to build skills to ground yourself in the present. Strengthening your ability to stay anchored helps you manage intense emotions, challenging thoughts, and difficult memories, and gives you more control when shame shows up. Check out the below resources:

3. Challenge Restrictive Gender Stereotypes

Disentangling ourselves from shame means broadening our understanding of what it means to be a man. There’s no shame in being vulnerable, struggling, or asking for help. Men can be strong and also kind, caring, emotionally aware, and compassionate. When we hold ourselves to a narrow, cartoonish idea of manhood, we limit who we can be and actually make it harder to confront shame.

4. Build Self-Compassion

The voice of shame can be loud and may insist you don’t deserve kindness or empathy, whispering things like “if you only knew.” The truth is that self-compassion is one of the most powerful tools you have for weakening shame’s hold

Cultivating Self-Compassion

If you’re open to it, you might try practicing things like:

  • Offering yourself encouragement, kindness, and care when things feel hard
  • Being patient and understanding with yourself—no one gets this right all the time
  • Extending generosity, respect, and patience toward yourself and others
  • Treating yourself with the same compassion you’d offer a friend or fellow survivor

It’s also worth saying out loud that many men find self-compassion difficult. Self-criticism and judgment often feel more familiar, and those habits can quietly feed shame.

Some men worry that being compassionate toward themselves means they’re “going easy,” avoiding responsibility, or becoming soft or self-indulgent. But leading with care and compassion doesn’t let us off the hook or ignore the truth. Self-compassion helps us reconnect with ourselves, build inner strength, and be in a better place to face past injustices and the shame that came with them.

If you’d like to explore this further, you might find the Introduction to Self-Compassion in the StrongAfter Strength Toolkit helpful.

And if it feels right, you could try a simple self-compassion break Dr. Kristin Neff:

Ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?”

Maybe there is a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as:

  • May I give myself the compassion that I need
  • May I learn to accept myself as I am
  • May I forgive myself (recognizing that you may not have anything to forgive)
  • May I be strong
  • May I be patient

If these words feel uncomfortable or awkward at first, that’s okay. Self-compassion can take practice, especially if it hasn’t been encouraged before. Try to meet yourself where you are, and remember: we’re all a work in progress.

Shame thrives in isolation, and self-compassion is one way to push back. Another powerful way is through connection with people who understand.

The Power of Groups & Peer Support

Talking with others who’ve “been there” can be transformational. Peer support can help break shame’s silence, offer real understanding, and remind you that the shame you’ve been carrying was never yours to hold.

As one survivor says:

“Groups are confronting. They make you stop and think, ‘Why have I been beating up on myself, when there is no way I’m going to lump shit and shame on the fellow next to me for the horror he’s been through?’ It’s madness.”

Putting It All Together: Practical Ways to Tackle Shame

In sharing this information, we don’t underestimate how challenging it can be to confront and create distance from shame. This work takes courage. Whether you’re doing this with a therapist, a support group, or thinking about talking with someone you trust, the ideas below are meant to offer support rather than being a checklist to get “right.”

With that said, it can help to:
  • Double down on self-care first. Before tackling shame directly, it can help to ground yourself in the present and focus on feeling safe and supported. The StrongAfter Strength Toolkit offers tools you can use anytime.
  • Start noticing patterns. Pay attention to what tends to trigger feelings of shame (what scenarios, thoughts, etc.), as well as what helps you cope or feel steadier when those feelings show up.
  • Create some distance from shame. Shame is a feeling tied to past experiences—it isn’t who you are. You are here now, with the capacity to grow, heal, and change.
  • Question limiting ideas about masculinity. Expanding what strength can look like—making room for empathy, vulnerability, and connection—can ease shame.
  • Remember, this isn’t about revisiting everything. Working through shame doesn’t mean digging up every detail or reliving every painful moment. It’s about acknowledging what happened, recognizing where responsibility truly belongs, and making meaning from the present.
  • When it feels safe, look back with compassion. Try to suspend judgment and revisit past experiences with your “adult eyes,” offering yourself the kindness you may not have received at the time. This can help you see how shame took root.
  • Remind yourself that forgiveness is a personal choice. It may be that upon reviewing questions of responsibility, you identify that you have nothing to forgive.
  • Be mindful of self-judgment. Be careful not to use the knowledge and resources you have now to beat up on yourself in the present. Watch out for “should’ve” and “could’ve” or judging the child who was just trying to get through and stay alive.
  • Reframe regret and discomfort. Feeling regret—or even shame—about past experiences often reflects the values and integrity you hold today. It’s a sign of growth, not failure.
  • Watch for self-blame. Feeling responsible doesn’t mean you are responsible. Responsibility belongs with the person who caused harm. Check out our companion article and podcast Understanding Grooming and Resistance.

And if shame or self-blame feels hard to untangle on your own, that’s completely understandable. You don’t have to do this work by yourself.

Consider Professional Support

Shame is tricky and can really take hold. Reaching out to a qualified professional isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s an act of care and strength. When you feel ready, remember that you deserve support from someone trained to walk alongside you with care.

A Final Encouragement

Healing from abuse is a process, and it rarely moves in a straight line.

It’s normal to have ups and downs along the way.

As you go, keep nurturing a positive sense of yourself in the present, and take time to notice and acknowledge your progress, no matter how small it might seem. You deserve to live a life free from shame and full of self-compassion.